Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

ok so who am I? 

What am I supposed to be doing? Why am I the way I am? 

Identity is such a huge dilemma for me at the moment.  

 

I am a musician. Sure that’s great, and I would never change that for the world! That is the one stable thing I have in my life and I consider that to be the biggest part of my identity. But what happens when that fails me? Sometimes I play badly (everyone has off days I guess), or sometimes I don’t get the gig (great so I’m not the best – FAILURE), or sometimes I get criticised by teacher, mentors, and peers (that is a good thing because I want to get better, but they tear me to shreds and it hurts). All of these things make me question my whole identity, because if I’ve “failed” as a musician then what else do I have left. Also if I have a day where I’m busy with everything else life throws at me, and I don’t get to play music I feel empty. I feel like all that I am has been taken in to account and I’m worthless. 

Surely there has to be other parts of me out there somewhere. I know I just need to be patient and I will find them one day. But how long do I need to wait? I want to feel whole, I want to know who I am and I’m tired of waiting for it to happen.